raisedinkpress

29 March 2019

Hey Bubba, just wanted to firstly say that I love you very, very much, which I know you know, but I still like to show you sometimes. So, even though I felt nervous about doing this because I am worried about making a mistake or doing it wrong etc (which, yes, I know that it doesn’t work like that), I felt it was important for me to do. I don’t ever want to stop challenging myself to find new ways to love you and live our best life. 
         I didn’t know much about writing before I met you, as you know. So when I first read your writing, I knew that I liked it, but I didn’t quite understand just how good you are. Now that I know a little bit more, and have read a hell of a lot more than I had when we met, I understand that you really actually do have what it takes to do it. I see your dedication, your enthusiasm, and your hard work, despite having your own very talkative inner critic. 
         Even though the thought of you becoming a ‘successful’ writer scares the shit out of me, because all the challenges it would bring up for me (the usual things, like feeling I’m not good enough for you, not having you all to myself etc etc), I am determined to do whatever I can to help you get there. 
         I have learnt so much because of you. I am much closer to the person I want to be because of you. I love you more deeply than I knew possible. So, this document is my first attempt at typing up some of your work. I started with one of your books that got damaged. Because I don’t know what you do and don’t already have typed up, I will just start with one small one for practice, and after that you can tell me which one’s you want me to type up. I was thinking we could set up a little ‘in’ box in the study, and you could put anything in there that you need typed up (if it’s a book you can just put post-it notes on the pages I need to do). 
         It may not all be 100% correct, as your writing isn’t always the easiest to read haha… but I’m going to do my best  I’m not going to change anything, it will just be as I see it in the books. I am going to leave out any of the money stuff, shopping lists, and things like that, so it will just be any other writing, so you will probably need to have a flick through it all yourself, but at least this way you won’t have to type so much, because I currently have more time on my hands than you. Also, I can learn from doing it. I did come all the way from the future to study under you! …. P.S. trigger warning because I haven’t left anything out and some of it is heavy xoxo P.P.S. I will ((…)) ((any words I’m unsure of)) and ~ = new page

Small notebook with clear cover (a date in the back of the book says 21-9-10)  

Ignatious,

The book
full of
some words
then again
aren’t all books.

~

Last thurs 1^st June

Was @ unibar to distribute flyers. Asked if Kerry-anne or charlotte was inside. Was verbally abused then physically assaulted. 
I had not been drinking. 
I flicked off his hat and turned to leave then he chased me for 2 metres and chocked me and crushed my larynx.

~

Tony Statesman
Bald,
Refused to give last name or security code.
use of excessive force, headlock and chokehold, couldn’t breathe.

Other elder moustache 

~

Procloroperazine

~

You know that this whole world can really just go fuck itself
I’m so tired of ((the)) all the time
drab slop crap that comes
– exert.
why can’t I be high on morphine all the time?
what’s wrong with that?

Why even bother writing.

Thoughts are like rabbits
Prepare for another dreamless sleep. 

~

Leadership
guidance
support
understanding 
Commitment 

~

The beautiful thing about artists 
is they just create.
no money, no profit.
they just create.

If pink flody did       it

Everyone, 

~

When I awoke the world had turned to dust
and all I saw was dried blood stain.

—

Do you really need the shit? 
wouldn’t you rather sit and do nothing?

Leave it be and let the words ring out
            all is well. 

~

Funny but Charles Manson 
has lovely hips.

Oh no…

If I could

The correlation between
good poetry and the
legality of opium is
interesting. 

~

I wish I could tell you 
more was happening.
Yet, today at least, it
feel about the same.
(bit hungover this morn)
I wish
maybe I don’t.

~

I found
((myself))
(( …..))

~

Electricity

~

Why

This is your market

The market will 
((….))

Get ((cracking))
make some $$$

~

The ((…..)) ((…..)) 

~

We lay awake at 
night wondering / asking
who, who we couldn’t 
be lovers with
wonder how we let such
fantasies erode us.
ask again why, silly feelings
keep us hurting.
when ((the)) other door
has the answers but,
the knock comes from
another and ((your)) own
cruel blow. 

~

In the cruel darkness
when we think about the
thinking.
we think that something
may be nothing

And when I see a 
white rose listless.
blood coming from some
relentless god to drop
on and ((hurt))
forever

~

I don’t exist inside or outside
or at all anymore.

For lady, I ain’t been anything
not even a stranger yet.

But some sort of future has found 
us. Whip, shorn and bleeting 
with the virgins.

And in the cold warmth of dawn
the victor take his winnings
rolls them up in paper then
burns them into his lungs.

I, I do not. 

~

I lay awake thinking you liked
my smile.
hearing you fuck cheaply
thump thump thump thump
four weak strokes,
how I was a fool,
but at least it was quick.
four cheap fuck strokes
is all it takes to bring down a poet.
thank Christ you don’t fuck
like a poet,
listening to that slow agony
would have killed me.

~

You cut me good this time,
but at least you cauterised the wounds
-with hot wet cum.

~

((????))

The cruel
junction of fate
has cut a 
knife through
my tired heart
I am weary
of games and
(((?????????))) 

~

Sleep. Pure
and simple

To love is to do nothing
to love is to let 
the ((????))

Lover linger alone
to love each sweet giggle
even if it is not my 
own. 

From things you have given me: 

Dear Megan, 
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.
I could write all day long upon the musing of you, but,
word will never do so I drew 
this for you

“we bury our bones”
((the pic of the dogs burying bones that I took my sooty tatt from))
‘partners in crime’ 
work together
to keep the bones Safe 

I miss you 
every second. 
sometimes
it
hurts

I am so scared that once you
know me, you won’t like me, but I am loyal 
and honest
and I try to have a good heart.

I will be your 
pack,
Your alpha, beta
omega,
I’ll be meagre,
I will be bread 
and water,
I will be falling
& never touch the 
ground.
I am all clutter 
with things I want
to tell you. Things 
I’m scared to 
tell you and 
my ears are always
hungry for your
sweet voice, a 
laugh, a smile, a 
joke, a dream. 
I can’t believe this 
is not a dream. 
How can this be not
a dream. 

What’s left in the vacuum of space

Can we survive the wall?

There is a 
mathematical formula
for us.
we are trigonometry.

Can you know 
I’m so fucking 
scared all 
the time 

Can we be like 2 loyal dogs?

How do you do sweet pup, I love you. 

All I do
by Andrew Spencer

In every eye, 
there is a lilght,
a light that shines
for you. 
So many eyes to gaze
under arms and 
skin, sheet. 
new notions of
what we call sin

Sweet pup,
can you hear me
can you smell me
can you save me
can you know my 
name, my secrets.
my soul. 
you’ve not left my 
mind, one moment,
I have to stop
myself before I 
fall through the floor 

~

Poem- When Andy gets bad news. 

The light goes out
Everything about you
again.
fits between my lines
slowly this time. A candle starved of oxygen.
you are the white paper
I open my mouth and a thousand black bats
I am the black ink,
spew out. 
We are a story. 
and I am no more than the cooling pooling
A fantastic romantic bundle of 
blood on the floor.
woolly cosy happiness.
Close the curtains.
You sustain and ring through me
Turn out the light- please
Perfectly tuned to my ears,
Let me tell you about my day
resonant frequency of my heart.
any day. It doesn’t matter.
Air, water, food, heat, shelter.
The sun rises and sets as an illusion
Fuck I miss you all the time.
I can’t feel, every internal contact wih this
Fuck I can’t believe this is real.
world external, feels like a raw nerve. 
This is happening. I am just floating in 
my life is a toothache, I am a toothache
heaven with you. What the fuck… You have got me.
sweet things are about all I can smile for.
I am not afraid for you to know all of me.
I can’t smile anymore, hardly anymore.
I just carry a lot of shame and guilt.
The lights go out, the moon is out too, too full
I find it hard to bring up. 
You can have all of me. Even my bad secrets. 

Beau too full

Thank you for being on my mind.
if you weren’t, all manner of bad, sad and nightmaris 
things would use me as a playground.
Sliding and swinging in and on and through
every part of me. 
I’ve got so much bad news
I could start a newspaper-
I have one good thing at a time. 
I couldn’t lose them all at once.
well, I could, I know I could.
I feel closer to you to write these lines.
This black ink a tether, keeping me 
bound and grounded.
if you left me alone I’d probably float away.
Yes you would float away Andy.
You are one good thing,
I never thought I’d say m&m’s are good for me
but I need Moore, I need Macey,
I need Tigah balm for all the pains.
So much pain.
Things I hate- pain, light, cold
Things I love- warmth, darkness, goose pimples. 
I don’t want to go out tonight, I just want
to curl up on the foot of your bed and 
have you stroke my hair with your delicate
fingers. I love your hands, lips, give me life
give me hope.
I could really use some hope.
I would be an apple if you wanted fruit. 
I could be nutritious. 
I will make it through this year.
it won’t kill me, or my little candle.
I like your candle.
you are like a really good song.
You are on repeat in my head, in my heart
on repeat. 

~